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几个小时之后回到厦门岛，真正开始忙毕业的琐碎。

论文答辩，签好三方合同，订机票体检，收拾行李打包邮寄，学士服拍照，转户口领报道证，回家。

我怕的睡不着，想到六月厦门。

于是索性在通宵改好论文的夜里，在娜雅黑色小台灯下继续打字。

蛋糕是非常香，咖啡十分甜。

鼓浪屿太美，她们连走路都闪光。

此刻她们就睡在小火车房里。

其实我们从未一起坐过火车，但却能够在此体验这样上下铺同屋的感觉，真是奇妙。

外面天亮起来，灰蓝色。

鼓浪屿醒了，梦游也醒了。

而我们还会再来么。

喔我已经傻傻快哭了。

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我少书家事，亦不愿向外人提及。恐他人不解，也觉得没必要。

全家人中，我最爱她。

听说她年轻时是个凛冽女子，清冷正直，不服输不怕苦。听说她工作时候雷厉风行一丝不苟，公派苏联也令众人心服口服；听说她在那个物资匮乏的年代辗转买回糖和玩具给孩子，又骑几里地单车扛一麻袋白菜回家；听说她去过很多地方开会参观，于是现在依然心胸开阔乐于接受新事物；听说她极力反对他们的婚事；听说我7岁那年仍有厂子请她去做技术顾问，而她只是笑笑未答。

我早已比她高出许多，懂得替代她做家务。可她仍喜爱叫我宝宝，似我一直未长大，永远是初到沈城的7岁。每次电话接通她总是高兴得不得了，声音中含笑意，从不问课程只关心我生活是不是开心。她信任我自己拿捏得好，担心也从不肯同我讲。她在及膝深的雪中接我放学，在我淋湿时为我熬一碗红糖姜水，在我为初中男友背叛难过时软语安慰，在我去南方念书时第一次哽咽红了眼眶。这并无什么稀奇，只是每个寻常家庭日日发生的温情场景，只令置身其中的人印象深刻。

说想家，只是想她。

我在13岁时怨她偏心和她吵架摔门离家出走，在14时恋爱拖手偷偷跑出学校让她怕的不得了，在15岁时成绩差性格劣不愿同她讲话，在16岁时失恋盔甲全卸骄傲顿失令她无奈心疼。

归家两周。大部分时间在家里。陪她做饭聊天看电视，给她买菜擦地心甘情愿甘之如饴。她今早教我做菜，边做边同我讲1958年。在我21岁。这故事早已听的倒背如流，却在这一刻喜欢听她再次讲。我靠在门框上看她，160cm，宝蓝色毛衣，红色棉拖，一点点驼背，可不敢看她眼睛。

我在这一刻更深刻的体会到，我的坚韧锦绣，全是拜她所赐，可仍不及她一点。

没有金钟罩铁布衫，只有她给我的力量在心里发芽开花。

没有锦衣玉食父母庇护，也深知自己没做大小姐的福气，她教我靠自己有双手。

没有她，我就不会有心甘情愿的力气。

我知她迟早会离开我，只愿多陪她一天又一天，一年又一年。

这么晚才看《玻璃之城》。听舒淇讲，港生，你别不说话啊，你不说话是浪费钱啊。

我按下暂停，突然想到高三那年。

我每周六晚上下自习之后打给他。宿舍离电话房很远，10台电话又总是占满了人。我隔一会就跑进去瞧，又急又无奈。有时候我会等断电之后偷偷走过长长走廊再打给他，用手捂住电话的亮光，小声讲话怕宿舍阿姨发现；更多时候我是买IC卡在教学楼里的电话机上打给他。看门大爷10点钟锁门，我常常是捱到那时候才挂电话。我报告给他我的学习情况不讲其他，他总是听起来很愉悦，可他那时记不住我生日，也不会像我一样留恋不舍得先挂电话。

就这样一年。他借回学校看老师之名来看我，我借送作业之名再看他。尽管我们都未讲话。

就这样一年。他从与3年旧爱分手中脱离出来，我高考报了厦大。

现在高中人人有手机，早恋也不再是什么大不了的事情。

可我仍觉得，那些忐忑打出去的电话，是我最美好的17岁。

不知港生和韵文是不是这样想。

你说这算不算苦

卧铺夜车清晨到羊城，在厕所匆匆换了正装化妆便奔去招聘会排队领票排队面试。

你说这算不算苦

大太阳下没空吃午饭连站4个小时投一份简历还要高兴的面试，再回到租房里吃泡面作晚饭。

你说这算不算苦

两个女孩子拖着箱子累到站不住，坐在广州黑车站的厕所旁边啃面包等着回厦门。

我说不是苦，而是，一个个希望。

做了决定之后，我就开始忙起来。

认识很多新朋友，一起做事。

昨天讲课回来的车上，和闺蜜发短信。觉得颠簸的18路似穿过时间隧道一样，一年一年，停不下也回不去。

但心里始终有积极的力量，始终相信18岁时坚信的话：努力可以实现梦想。

我想，这样就够了。

做自己，爱自己。

It's the end of an era.

我把音乐开到最大声，突然又想喝一杯咖啡。知道自己反正睡不着。

我以为我会大哭一场。为放弃一个梦想。可实际，我只是静静坐在这里，自己和自己谈心。在O2楼上的咖啡馆里，和两枚要好靠谱女友，逼自己做一个决定。或者决定早已经做出来，而SWOT分析只是在说服自己，即刻接受一个更现实的选择。

我想我还是年轻的，我可以晚些去实现所谓的DREAM。或者不能，可他们不能等。

我很少谈起他们，可他们还是深深地影响我未来的底线。他们一定不曾预料到吧，他们一定不相信吧。我想我也不会，表达给他们。就像我们一直是这样淡淡的相处着。

我哽咽起来，可眼泪没落下来就被憋回去了。我总是这样。

这世界没有对不对，只有愿不愿。

而现在，我终于肯心甘情愿的，为他们，停下来。

好，现在有几种选择。

1、直接出国。

2、直接工作。

3、先工作两年再出国。

厦门结束九八盛宴，我也与这座城同步，过了懒散的一周。

每日穿鞋拖，背心短裙，戴眼镜，湿着头发就跑出去，连防晒也懒得图。给自己放个大假。我就喜欢讨好自己。

可烦心事还是接踵而来。比如，一早新航道打来的电话，对不论出国还是工作的恐惧，论文，对他对未来的信心正一点点失去。

我开始庸俗的羡慕，那些暂时什么都不用管的，保研同学。虽然，在并不深的地方，我极讨厌他们可预见的未来三年。

至现在，我已经喝了两杯咖啡。可还是很混乱。

对不起，你。我还是需要喝咖啡。并且，并不为什么的需要喝。

可这其中还是夹杂着各种开心事。比如，火锅，和她的TNT晚餐，一起逛小超市的安心，做指甲，和她短信各自男友种种的小心思。以及今晚的LADY'S NIGHT。

一年之后，迎接我们会是什么样的光景。

 

她风尘仆仆回来，见面就是大拥抱。

我曾喜欢叫她败家女，现在叫她大小姐。她也乐得答应。

其实我还是很喜欢她的。

她仰起头来，底气十足的和我讲，我受不了苦，我也受不了气。而她的拿手绝招就是哭。我在心里暗想，她也真是命好。生在好人家，生活富足，父母恩爱对她又疼爱有加，不论如何保上研又找得多金专一男友。

这其中曲折点点暂且不说，就现在的状态而言，他们俩的状态倒是让人有些嫉妒的。

我把自己的小心思发给她。她说，不嫉妒的女人不是女人。她又说，见见就好了，当她们作人生背景，我们自己有颜色。

我把自己的小心思发给她。她说，管她们呢，就这一辈子给自己操心还不够，没空给他们留情绪，我们自己过得稳妥最要紧。

我才想通了，这又小规模纠结起来。

大规模校园招聘又开始，厦门总是比其他地方慢半拍。这点让人又爱又恨。关于我的去留，我还是没想好。现在兼职有两份，雅思家教和新航道雅思口语老师，够养活自己。我始终是想经济独立的。可同时我又觉得，自己的价值应当不仅仅是这样。你说这是大小姐的幻觉，还是未来的事实。

外面大雨倾盆。

每当这个时候，我都会莫名的高兴起来。似乎可以借着雨宣泄自己的情绪，就像那夜在V的歌中找到出口。

同龄好友也都忙着各自计划，出国，保研，考研，工作；不论哪个，都不得不硬着头皮面对。怎么一转眼就变成大学四年级女生了呢。我还是怀念，比如，看到记者站播音组的红榜里没我名字那一刻的心抽了一下，到大三后听人说替当初的我遗憾，他后来知道，我是在最后一轮最后一次投票被踢出局，我笑的失落。又让我兀自想起了高二时候别人告诉我他爱那人是滕的感觉。比如，竞选班委，选九人我第十，现在看来似乎也不那么要紧，可当时的我当然还是在乎。

哈，可一下就大四了。此刻的要紧事是找到合适的过渡，以暂时衔接无时无刻不在的迷茫。

关于他，我慢慢想通了。即使是梁朝伟也还是有郭台铭。便是所罗门又如何。

又回到了厦门

走出机场那一刻，厦门就像久未见面的老友一样，给我熟悉温暖的感觉。

所以你看，人是会变的。大一时候我多么讨厌她，而现在回厦门却令我产生身心的愉悦感。厦门就是这样一个城市，能让你不由自主的喜欢起来。她又静又美，有不过快的生活节奏。

趁晴天晒了被子，收拾屋子，做简历，在来厦前联系了两份教英文的兼职，也都有了回应。大四生活开始的井然有序，这不错。最终还是带了达令给我买的连岳新书来学校，在机上无聊的3个小时，他陪我度过快乐时光。这本比上本更好看，所有在爱情中困惑挣扎的妞们都应来学习一下。

不快乐的事就一件，即使一再逃避，现在也要抓紧时间，开始准备申请学校和申请材料了。这其实比GRE还难搞。

 

PS：你说我们到底能不能自力更生？

从7月5号回家以来，到现在一个半月的时间。这期间，我每天睡到自然醒，看电影看书，买菜做饭，偶尔约会，和他顶太阳闲逛，在麦当劳里蹭电视看比赛。

我在逃避。

关于出国，工作，或是最后的考研。

男闺蜜说，你在出国和他中选一个，他也在你和不出国中选一个。

若我在高三结束那个假期没有遇到他，现在的我又会是怎样的？

又一天，睡到中午起来，不管困不困，是不是必要，喝咖啡都成了我的习惯，似乎咖啡和开始正经做事是密不可分的。这样一个傍晚，在和肉打了一个短暂电话之后，我突然振作起来。

对于成绩，雅思，GRE，其实我一直未觉得，若不出国会有什么可惜。靠谱的闺蜜总会在我沉浸其中自欺欺人的时候刺激我一下，把我叫醒。我和她的轨迹似乎全然对调一样，我结束自己混乱的戏剧化的高中，她跳出隐忍的生活；她开始她明媚的大学，我奏起自己不紧不慢的温吞调子。

若我去到她的城市，和她一块儿，现在的我又会是怎样的，她呢？

是的，我变了。

这个下午，我突然意识到什么。

比如，小时候我爱红舞鞋的故事，现在我终于不断跳舞的意义。

而你愿不愿停下来。

 

我觉得很幸福。

我们十指紧扣，边走边甩手，哈哈的走在路上，有时候笑得直不起腰来。即将三周年，异地恋。

张柏芝在被采访到谢霆锋时候说，不论什么时候，她都对自己说四个字，坚持下去。

我以为我会写很多话，在开始打字之前。外面下起暴雨，可我内心喜悦的，只想自顾自的笑起来。

我想，即使不写，你也一定懂得。

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我发现，我脸太胖啦！像巨女人的胖脸一样。。555555555！

我站着，然后蹲下，继而坐下。我想我是真的没力气。

在沉默很久之后，我一字一顿的对他说：我再和你说最后一句。我想，我不那么喜欢你了。你做毕设吧。

下一秒，他便掐了电话。

我坐着，又坐了很久。并且，也没有哭。

 

他发短信来说爱我。我回，我需要一个人静一静。

白天上了课，我便直接回宿舍。挂很久没拿出来的床帏，躺着反复听《她来听我的演唱会》好听的要命，每一字每一句，听得我要哭出来。我不知这情绪于什么相关，可我知，这积压的半年情绪需要一个发泄。可现世既不给我机会大哭，我亦不愿让自己显得如此脆弱或情绪化。

在STARBUCK店里，我对对面的闺蜜说，醉了就不想再控制，而我喝不醉，因为我潜意识里不愿意不控制。而她倒是时常借酒说些玩笑话样的心里话。我很少多讲话，大概因为我讲话的基调总是消极。大多数时候我都更愿意听别人讲，然后适时点头微笑或大笑，可那天我就不断讲话，似乎一扇门打开，便难再关上。

 我最终放弃了请他来北京看我的想法。事实上，我现在也没那么想他来了，或者，已经不想他来了。我期待的，是4年中一次，一次如其他每日自习吃饭，在楼下见面有依依不舍的情侣般的恋爱。只是现在，不是不再期待，是觉得，勉强他来，这太没劲。况且，关于他问的，为什么我一直想他来看我，暑假不是一样么，我也想不出什么，完美的，理性的，能合情合理说服他的理由。

 深吸一口气。

论文还一篇没写，明晚交。下周一开考近现代国际关系史。

可这些，真的有什么关系么。

我和寝室好友在一个舒爽的夏日傍晚，穿情侣衫，去吃一场暧昧的西餐。庆祝她TOEFL班结课。

她很漂亮，甚至刚到寝室的时候，我对她对生活的挑剔是有些惊讶的。后来慢慢熟了，知道她对动漫和小猫的狂热，和她一起听TOEFL的讲座，又听一半跑出来，知道她对自己的苛刻，她借我笔袋，逛街时记亦不忘给我买一件粉色兔子的衣裳，和我一起自习，会羞涩说谢谢，再为我考试拆自己一块电子表。

谈很多，她似乎很久没和人说过那么多话一样的，以至于和我抢话说。说高中初中，说考试，说转学，说朋友，说大学种种。我在心里讶异：那些内心里的挣扎，她和我多么相像。

我们吃饱，慢慢散步至音乐喷水广场，再回宿舍。似乎便换了个世界。正常的生活还要继续，但我知，心里以不同。这样多好。

 ——————————————

考完了GRE，考得不错。RP很好，蒙的题大多都对了，也没什么可求。心里仍是有些小小的失落的，始终觉得，若再有些时间，我该可以做得更好。不过，就这样吧。哈。

这几天，总是狠狠咬着嘴唇，眼泪随时掉下来。也时刻告诫自己理性坚强，努力把泪水生生忍回去。

我知道自己看优酷的救灾视频一定会哭，看救灾的时事报道一定会揪心难受。可我忍不住不关注。

中午路过捐款箱，我又捐了一次。总觉得自己可以努力为这些人，为国家多做一些事情。退了国家大剧院6月的芭蕾舞票，没情绪欣赏，钱也可以拿来捐掉。晕针晕血不敢献血，但我也在想，若能够克服自己的恐惧，或许就能挽救某个生命。

身边有些其他声音——比如漠然，认为才死1万多人，有什么可关注的。我真想狠狠的大嘴巴抽她！再把她放地震裂缝里，钢筋废墟里压上三天！

平静，是我现在最应当的情绪。于自己，与他人，与考试，都很必要。

国难当头，擦干泪不要怕，最好的抗震救灾方式就是干好工作。

记者核实和报道真相，公务员组织救灾和赈灾，外交官做好沟通和外交，商人们多多生产抗震救灾物品，老师学生们上好每一堂课。北京奥运火炬应该继续传递，我很赞成途中增设默哀和赈灾环节。
　　
中国若想成为真正的强国大国，必须有处变不惊的国民和从容自信的政府。我相信温总理几次落下的眼泪是出于黎民涂炭而心里难受。亲临前线的温总和后方坐镇指挥的胡总此刻压力最大，希望他们都挺住，而实际上，经历过唐山大地震和九八年大洪水等大大小小自然灾害考验的老一代人，比我们更清楚如何稳住阵脚。

 

今天是肉肉生日，我们去吃吃，逛街，新购入美即面膜若干，乳液化妆水精华三瓶，渡过了愉快的下午。

此外，去看了6G的考场，记下了附近宾馆的预订电话。还惊喜的发现考场门口有家7-ELEVEN，于是迅速买了份紫菜包饭。KFC和M店也在旁边。回学校的路上，入手一直钟爱的露得清洁面皂一枚。且顺便取了百丽的凉拖。

一天就这样过去，坐公车来回的3个小时中，我一直在背单词。

我决定之后不再进城逛街。GRE还有27天。

 

我需要拼命学习。请注意，我说的是，拼命学习。

此外，我并不知道，也从未问及，在他考研时候，他会否担心，减少的联络或许会不可避免的影响我们的感情。其实在这一点上，我感谢他在那时对我的信任，也感谢上天让他在一个女生极少的理工学校念繁重的工科。而现在，在我需要全身心的，日日夜夜GRE的时候，我承认我是担心的。（PS：就在这时，他打来电话，嘿。我笑起来。）

爱一个人是不是应该有默契。ANYWAY, I'D PREFER TO BELIEVE, HE'S THE ONE.

 

不论这四月发生了什么。

我仍期待每一个四月，像期待一朵桃花。

仍珍爱她。

在四月的最后一天。

PS：我最近狂爱她。上各种外文网看她。

 

The whole world watched as her "perfect" marriage fell apart. Only her closest friends knew what really happened. Now, in Jennifer Aniston's first interview since she split from Brad Pitt, she spills her heart, and some tears, to Vanity Fair, sharing her shock and confusion over Pitt's liaison with Angelina Jolie, her desire for a family, and her deep, conflicting emotions (anger, hurt, exasperation, tenderness) toward the man she still loves.

 

When Jennifer Aniston opens the door to the Malibu bungalow she's been holed up in lately, she gives me a radiant smile and an effusive hello.

Then she bursts into tears.

We have scarcely sat down in the living room, a serene little haven simply furnished with cushy white sofas and white flowers and white candles, when her face crumples. She is instantly aghast.

"I haven't been feeling emotional lately, really I haven't," she wails, fluttering her hands like Rachel Green in distress, except that this time it isn't funny.

Other than the 24-hour security detail guarding her safety, Aniston is all alone in the modest rental where she has camped out while dealing with the end of her marriage to Brad Pitt—and its devastating aftermath, which has been far worse than the actual split. The last few months have brought an endless nightmare of hurtful headlines about her soon-to-be-ex-husband, along with blatantly fraudulent stories about herself, in the tabloids and supermarket gossip magazines. Pursued around the clock by the rabid paparazzi she refers to as "ratzies," she is ambushed even on her own deck by photographers who lurk on the beach outside her door, spying on her every move.

As she squeezes her eyes shut in an effort to stop crying, the scene provides a painful contrast with the last time we met. Little more than a year ago, I interviewed Pitt at the Beverly Hills mansion that he and Aniston had just spent two years renovating. A testament to both his passion for architecture and the couple's hopeful vision of their shared future, the beautiful old house awaited only a baby in a bassinet to complete a picture-perfect existence.

When I left, they both walked me out to my car. Their home, its windows lit and welcoming, glowed in the twilight. As we said our good-byes, Pitt and Aniston leaned together in the driveway, arms twined around each other. Her head rested trustingly on his buff chest, still pumped up from his rigorous training to play the warrior Achilles in Troy.

They seemed the most fortunate couple imaginable—two beautiful superstars who had hit the jackpot, earning not only fame and riches but also an enduring love. Their fans had long been captivated by the romance of America's Sweetheart and the Sexiest Man in the World, and now they were ready to begin a thrilling new chapter. Aniston's 10-year run on Friends was ending, and she and Pitt had vowed to start a family when her stupendously successful television series was finished.

Pitt's final words to me reinforced the impression of connubial bliss: "I'm happier than I've ever been." But the ensuing months brought an onslaught of rumors that he had gotten involved with Angelina Jolie while filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Instead of the joyful announcement many had anticipated from the Pitts, there was only silence. The New Year began with photographs of the beautiful couple strolling hand in hand along the beach on Anguilla, looking relaxed and happy. Immediately the buzz shifted into rhapsodic re-appraisals of the state of their union.

And then came the oh-so-civilized announcement, on January 7, that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt were separating—that their parting was "the result of much thoughtful consideration," that it was not caused by "any of the speculation reported by the tabloid media," and that they would remain "committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another."

If Pitt had kept a low profile in the months to come, that might even have turned out to be true. Instead, the ominous drumroll of gossip began to crescendo as he and Jolie rendezvoused in exotic locales, still denying that they were an item. With the paparazzi snapping away, Pitt stepped into what looked suspiciously like a paternal role with Jolie's adopted Cambodian son, Maddox.

"It was extremely hurtful to Jen that he was seen with another woman so quickly after they were separated," says Andrea Bendewald, an actress who has been one of Aniston's closest friends since they were teenagers.

Instead of being reviled as The Other Woman, Jolie posed for pictures on an energetic round of appearances as a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations—and then trumped even that public-relations bonanza by adopting another orphan, an African girl whose parents had died of AIDS. In the blink of an eye, the twice-divorced Jolie—previously known as a tattooed vixen with a taste for bisexuality, heroin, brotherly incest, mental institutions, and wearing her husbands' blood—had morphed into a globe-trotting humanitarian who seemed to be channeling Audrey Hepburn.

For the 36-year-old Aniston, who had expected to spend the past year being pregnant, the pain of watching this spectacle unfold was compounded by vicious rumors about herself. As misogynist as they were false, sensationalistic stories claimed the real reason the marriage ended was that Aniston refused to have Pitt's baby because she was so ambitious she cared only about her career.

Even now, that sexist slur makes her face darken. "A man divorcing would never be accused of choosing career over children," she says. "That really pissed me off. I've never in my life saide i didn't want to have children. I did and i do and i will! The women that inspire me are the ones who have careers and children; why would I want to limit myself? I've always wanted to have children, and I would never give up that experience for a career. I want to have it all."

Aniston's intimates note acidly that Pitt could have done more to refute the mean-spirited rumor that his wife wouldn't bear his child, which reinforced the impression that he had good cause to leave her for Earth Mother Jolie. To some, this looks like sheer hypocrisy.

"When Brad and Jen were in the marriage, having a baby was not his priority—ever," says one mutual friend. "It was an abstract desire for him, whereas for Jen it was much more immediate. So is there a part of Brad that's diabolical? Did he think, I need to get out of this marriage, but I want to come out smelling like a rose, so I'm going to let Jen be cast as the ultra-feminist and I'm going to get cast as the poor husband who couldn't get a baby and so had to move on?"

As the image wars raged in the gossip media, a heartbroken Aniston retreated to her Malibu hideaway to lick her wounds in private, accompanied only by her elderly corgi-terrier mix, Norman, who spends most of his time snoring on his dog bed. Public sympathy seemed to be on her side; the Hollywood boutique Kitson reported that its "Team Aniston" T-shirts were outselling "Team Jolie" T-shirts by a margin of 25 to 1. But that was cold comfort as Aniston was assaulted by one provocation after another.

When the Pitts split up, Brad insisted he hadn't slept with Jolie, and Aniston accepted his denial. "She wasn't naïve," says Kristin Hahn, an executive at the Pitts' production company, Plan B. "She's not suggesting she didn't know there was an enchantment, and a friendship. But Brad was saying, 'This is not about another woman.'"

The moment he and Aniston separated, however, he re-emerged in what looked like a full-blown affair with Jolie. Struggling to accept a separation she never wanted, Aniston found that the "facts" she had been told kept shifting like quicksand beneath her feet. When I ask about that gracious, no-one-is-to-blame announcement of their separation, she takes a deep breath. "What we said was true—"

As I raise my eyebrows, she pauses for a moment, and then adds carefully, "—as far as I knew. We wrote it together, very consciously, and felt very good about it. We exited this relationship as beautifully as we entered it."

All Aniston wanted then was to figure out what happened; how did the happy life they'd planned drift so far off course? But everything changed on April 29, when photographs broke of Brad and Angelina frolicking on the beach with Maddox at a romantic resort in Africa. "The world was shocked, and I was shocked," she says, still bending over backward not to excoriate her ex.

But to say that this news was like pouring salt in the wound would understate its impact considerably; how about pouring molten lava into the hole where somebody ripped your heart out?

And then things got worse.

The skies over Los Angeles are uncharacteristically gray today, and the Pacific shimmers with an opalescent sheen. Although the weather is gloomy, the ocean is calm; waves lap gently at the shoreline, making a soft shushing sound that Aniston has found very soothing lately.

"That's quite a backyard, in my opinion," she says as we stand on her deck, watching the hypnotic rhythm of the waves. "Just being able to go to the water's edge and scream—"

She grins. "Not too loudly. You don't want people to think that you're crazy. But it can be very cathartic."

She is wearing a white tank top and white drawstring linen pants, with a vivid lavender cashmere cardiwrap around her to ward off the unseasonable chill. Formidably toned by yoga, her body is in superb shape, but despite her tanned skin and megawatt smile she looks fragile and wan.

She remains resolutely upbeat nonetheless, casting her current situation in the most positive light possible. "It's beautiful here; I love it," she says. "I've always wanted to have a little Malibu beach house, and it feels good. I'm enjoying simplifying things."

Although the bungalow was dark and depressing when she first saw it, a quickie makeover has transformed it into a cozy sanctuary that's far more representative of Aniston's personal taste than the showplace she and Pitt shared, where the décor seemed all hard edges and unforgiving materials. "Brad and I used to joke that every piece of furniture was either a museum piece or just uncomfortable," Aniston says. "He definitely had his sense of style, and I definitely have my sense of style, and sometimes they clashed. I wasn't so much into modern."

I mention Nicole Kidman's quip after splitting up with Tom Cruise, when she was asked what she looked forward to in her new life without the diminutive husband who had abruptly ended their marriage. "Wearing high heels again," Kidman retorted.

So I ask Aniston—who filed for divorce on March 25 and expects it to become final this fall—what she's enjoying about being on her own. "I can have a comfortable couch," she says with a wry smile.

In the tabloids and celebrity gossip magazines, the soap-opera version of her life continues to hurtle along like a runaway express train, rushing Aniston through major life stages with ludicrous speed: Jen Is Devastated! Jen Is Furious! Jen Gets Revenge! Jen Has a New Man! Jen Is Over Brad! Most of the stories are wrong. (No, Oprah didn't try to get Brad and Jen back together; no, Jen is not romantically involved with Vince Vaughn, her co-star in The Break-Up, a comedy about a separating couple who continue to live together, which they shot in Chicago over the summer.)

Other reports are just idiotically simpleminded, breathlessly advancing a plot that bears little resemblance to the long, complex, painful experience of getting over a divorce. While the tabloids insist on dividing Aniston's emotions into neat, distinct chapters, the reality is that pain and denial and anger and resignation all blur together, sometimes at the same moment—and the lengthy process of mourning is nowhere near over.

"There are many stages of grief," she says. "It's sad, something coming to an end. It cracks you open, in a way—cracks you open to feeling. When you try to avoid the pain, it creates greater pain. I'm a human being, having a human experience in front of the world. I wish it weren't in front of the world. I try really hard to rise above it."

Aniston is struggling to find a deeper meaning in the debacle. "I have to think there's some reason I have called this into my life," she says. "I have to believe that—otherwise it's just cruel."

Her friends are filled with admiration for the way she's handled the whole mess. "This woman is basically having a root canal without anesthesia, but she's really trying not to numb the pain or shove it under the rug," says Hahn. "She's grown so much, and she continues to grow on a daily basis, because every time you think, 'Well, I've dealt with this,' there's another hurdle to get over. It's a bit Job-like at the moment."

Aniston's response has been to retreat into her cocoon, "in an effort to take care of myself and my heart," she says. "I feel like I'm nesting. I love being home. I have friends that come over. My girlfriends I've had for 20 years. When things happen, the tribe gathers around and lifts you up. I've had lonely moments, sure, but I'm also enjoying being alone. There's no question it takes getting used to; I'm a partnership person, and if something happens your instinct is to share it—but you're no longer part of a couple. I definitely miss that. It's sort of like Bambi—like you're trying to learn how to walk. You're a little awkward; you stumble a little bit. The things you would do with your partner, you don't do. It's uncharted territory, but I think it's good for me to be a solo person right now. You're forced to re-discover yourself and take it to another level. If you can find a way to see the glass half full, these are the moments when you learn the most. I've had to re-introduce myself to myself in a way that's different."

 

She doesn't downplay the difficulties. "Am I lonely? Yes. Am I upset? Yes. Am I confused? Yes. Do I have my days when I've thrown a little pity party for myself? Absolutely. But I'm also doing really well," she says. "I've got an unbelievable support team, and I'm a tough cookie.… I believe in therapy; I think it's an incredible tool in educating the self on the self. I feel very strong. I'm really proud of how I've conducted myself."

A crucial part of Aniston's strategy has been to ignore the putrid stew of rumor, speculation, and outright falsehood in the tabloid media. "It's been very important for me not to read anything, not to see anything," she says. "It's been my saving grace. That stuff is just toxic for me right now. I probably avoided a lot of suffering by not engaging in it, not reading, not watching."

She gestures toward Norman, who has roused himself for a moment to check on his mistress's whereabouts. "It's like those dog cones," she says, encircling her neck as if putting on one of the plastic cones prescribed by vets to prevent dogs from scratching their ears. "I have my imaginary dog cone on, so I don't see anything. It just allows for a much more peaceful life."

Nevertheless, as Pitt publicly flaunted the instant family he had created with Jolie, the tableaux of their newfound togetherness were humiliating. "I would be a robot if I said I didn't feel moments of anger, of hurt, of embarrassment," Aniston acknowledges.

But she tries to keep the lurid details to herself. "She is grieving, but she's taken the high road," says Bendewald. "She's mourning the death of a marriage, and she's done it very privately. She can have her moments of rage, but she doesn't want to out him, and that keeps her heart clear. She's not bad-mouthing him. She doesn't want to make him the villain and her the victim."

Indeed, Aniston vehemently rejects the interpretation that she was left for another woman. "I don't feel like a victim," she says. "I've worked with this therapist for a long time, and her major focus is that you get one day of being a victim—and that's it. Then we take responsibility for our own input. To live in a victim place is pointing a finger at someone else, as if you have no control. Relationships are two people; everyone is accountable. A lot goes into a relationship coming together, and a lot goes into a relationship falling apart. She'd say, 'Even if it's 98 percent the other person's fault, it's 2 percent yours, and that's what we're going to focus on.' You can only clean up your side of the street."

These days, one index of recovery is the fact that Aniston's sardonic humor is resurfacing. When I tell her that my 13-year-old son is a big fan of hers, she doesn't miss a beat. "Is he single?" she asks, deadpan.

She'll toss off a crack about Pitt's startling transformation into a punky bleached blond. "Billy Idol called—he wants his look back," she murmurs with a sly smile.

By now she can even talk about those gut-wrenching photos of Jolie and Pitt in Kenya with mordant resignation rather than tears. "I can't say it was one of the highlights of my year," she says. "Who would deal with that and say, 'Isn't that sweet! That looks like fun!'? But shit happens. You joke and say, 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'"

She sighs. "I feel like I've earned a superpower shield," she says. Then, afraid of sounding grandiose, she adds, "I'm not comparing my suffering to other people's suffering. Everybody has their own."

Aniston's friends were particularly horrified by W magazine's 60-page photo spread featuring Pitt and Jolie as an early-1960s-style married couple with a brood of miniature blond Brads. "You want to shake the shit out of him and say, 'Your timing sucks!'" says one. "He's made some choices that have been tremendously insensitive."

The W feature, which was entitled "Domestic Bliss," couldn't be blamed on the paparazzi; not only did Pitt conceptualize it, but he retained the international rights, so he actually profited from it. Aniston's eyes widen in surprise when I mention that last fact, and she grimaces. "I didn't know that," she says. But she refuses to indulge herself in an angry reaction. "Is it odd timing? Yeah. But it's not my life," she says. "He makes his choices. He can do—whatever. We're divorced, and you can see why."

She shakes her head in exasperation. "I can also imagine Brad having absolutely no clue why people would be appalled by it," she adds. "Brad is not mean-spirited; he would never intentionally try to rub something in my face. In hindsight, I can see him going, 'Oh—I can see that that was inconsiderate.' But I know Brad. Brad would say, 'That's art!'"

She rolls her eyes, pretending to screw something into her forehead. "There's a sensitivity chip that's missing," she says.

Aniston's friends are amazed at her willingness to give Pitt the benefit of the doubt, but they basically agree with her assessment. "I don't think he was trying to hurt Jen," says Courteney Cox, Aniston's dear friend and former co-star on Friends. "I don't think that Brad is malicious, or a liar. The W thing was his idea, but I don't think he thought that one through, about what it would look like to anyone else."

Although Aniston remains determined not to lash out, she sometimes questions her own restraint. "Why am I protecting him?" she exclaimed to one friend, only to continue with what she sees as the dignified course of action.

"I'm not interested in taking public potshots," she explains. "It's not my concern anymore. What happened to him after the separation—it's his life now. I've made a conscious effort not to add to the toxicity of this situation. I haven't retaliated. I don't want to be a part of it. I don't have a halo that I'm polishing here; everyone has their personal thoughts. But I would much rather everyone move on. I am not defined by this relationship. I am not defined by the part they're making me play in the triangle. It's maddening to me. But I had a mom who was very angry about her divorce, and made shots, and I don't want to play that out. If people are frustrated that I don't want to do that, I'm sorry. I'm figuring this out as I go along. This is my first time at this particular picnic."

As befits a storybook tale, the Pitts' marriage was the first for both of them, and some of Aniston's fondest memories are from the time they shared before the world discovered their romance. "We had so much fun falling in love," she says wistfully. "It was so private; we kept it to ourselves for so long. It was something we were really proud of."

But after the relationship became public, it was always difficult to reconcile their mythic image with the quotidian reality of their private life, which was more likely to involve watching television, ordering takeout, and having close friends over than swanning around on red carpets.

"We were put on a pedestal, but we were just a couple like anybody else," Aniston says. "When we were home, we'd watch the shows we loved, and one time there was this program called It's Good to Be Brad and Jen. It was all about us going to Scotland and Greece and having our matching S.U.V.'s, and it wasn't my life—I'd never even been to some of these places, but even I got sucked in. We're sitting there saying, 'Yeah, boy, it sure must be good to be Brad and Jen!' So is it our responsibility to demystify this, to say, 'This is not what it's like—it's not that fabulous, not that great'? There's no doubt our life is fortunate, but … "

But even golden couples struggle with the formidable challenges of marriage. "It's like the ebb and flow of every relationship," Aniston says. "It's hard; it gets easy; it gets fun again. What's hard to sustain is some ideal that it's perfect. That's ridiculous. What's fantastic about marriage is getting through those ebbs and flows with the same person, and looking across the room and saying, 'I'm still here. And I still love you.' You re-meet, reconnect. You have marriages within marriages within marriages. That's what I love about marriage. That's what I want in marriage. It's unfortunate, but we live in a very disposable society. Those moments where it looks like 'Uh-oh, this isn't working!'—those are the most important, transformative moments. Most couples draw up divorce papers when they're missing out on an amazing moment of deepening and enlightenment and connection."

She sighs heavily and turns away to light a Merit cigarette. "That's not Brad's view of it," she says, glum again. "We believe in different things, I guess. You can't force a relationship, even if it's your view of how you would like it to be conducted. Obviously two people leave a relationship because there's a different thought pattern happening. My goal is to try and achieve a very deep, committed relationship. That's what I'm interested in, but it's someone's prerogative to be or not to be in or out of a relationship."

"I think Jen wanted to work it out, and I don't think he wanted to work it out," Andrea Bendewald observes. "I don't think he knew what he wanted."

Nevertheless, Aniston has only kind words about her marriage. "I still feel so lucky to have experienced it. I wouldn't know what I know now if I hadn't been married to Brad," she says. "I love Brad; I really love him. I will love him for the rest of my life. He's a fantastic man. I don't regret any of it, and I'm not going to beat myself up about it. We spent seven very intense years together; we taught each other a lot—about healing, and about fun. We helped each other through a lot, and I really value that. It was a beautiful, complicated relationship. The sad thing, for me, is the way it's been reduced to a Hollywood cliché—or maybe it's just a human cliché. I have a lot of compassion for everyone going through this."

As for what went wrong, Aniston rejects any simplistic explanation. "It's just complicated," she says. "Relationships are complicated, whether they're friendships or business relationships or parent relationships. I don't think anybody in a marriage gets to a point where they feel like 'We've got it!' You're two people continually evolving, and there will be times when those changes clash. There are all these levels of growth—and when you stop growing together, that's when the problems happen."

Friends say that it was always difficult for Aniston and Pitt to maintain the intimacy they craved while juggling their demanding work schedules, which often required long separations. Those tensions notwithstanding, Aniston believed her marriage was the real thing. "We both did," she says.

So what happened? "I think—it changed," she says haltingly. "We both changed."

She sighs again. "You do the best you can, and I think we did. We did the best we could."

Both of them? She looks me straight in the eye. "Both parties," she says.

But nagging questions remain about Pitt's conduct during the months leading up to their separation. "She was committed to the marriage," says Bendewald. "He wanted to figure out who he was and what he wanted, but he seemed to want to do it without being married. She wanted him to figure out what he wanted and stay married. He didn't think he could do that, so at that point she was like, 'O.K., go figure it out.'"

Throughout that period, Pitt insisted that his relationship with Jolie was not the cause of his marital discontent, but his actions since the separation have suggested otherwise.

"I just don't know what happened," Aniston admits. "There's a lot I don't understand, a lot I don't know, and probably never will know, really. So I choose to take away with me as much integrity and dignity and respect for what that relationship was as I can. I feel as if I'm trying to scrounge around and pick up the pieces in the midst of this media circus."

Does she buy Brad's claim that he didn't cheat on her before they separated? "I choose to believe my husband," Aniston says. "At this point, I wouldn't be surprised by anything, but I would much rather choose to believe him."

Their friends are still trying to parse what happened with Jolie. "I don't think he started an affair physically, but I think he was attracted to her," says Courteney Cox, who vacationed with her husband, David Arquette, and the Pitts on Anguilla just before they announced their separation. "There was a connection, and he was honest about that with Jen. Most of the time, when people are attracted to other people, they don't tell. At least he was honest about it. It was an attraction that he fought for a period of time."

He may have been fighting it, but Pitt virtually checked out of his marriage as soon as he began working with Jolie, according to Aniston's intimates. "He was gone," says one.

Aniston has met Jolie only once, when she took a passing opportunity to say hello. "It was on the lot of Friends—I pulled over and introduced myself," Aniston recalls. "I said, 'Brad is so excited about working with you. I hope you guys have a really good time.'"

But he soon became emotionally unavailable to his wife, at a time when she needed him desperately. Pitt's withdrawal coincided with the end of Friends, which Aniston experienced as a huge loss. "That was really painful. It was a family, and I don't do great with families splitting up," says Aniston, who was deeply wounded by her parents' bitter divorce, which happened when she was 9. "It was hard to have such a wonderful constant in your life, a place to go every day, and then all of a sudden it's not there."

When she reached out for her husband's support, she didn't get it. "He just wasn't there for me," she says.

To the amazement of Aniston's friends, Pitt didn't even show up for the final taping of Friends.

"He was working," she says, still defending him, even though movie stars have been known to request changes in a shooting schedule to accommodate events that are important to them.

Although she isn't talking to Pitt these days, Aniston remains in regular contact with his mother, whom she loves dearly, and she doesn't rule out a better relationship with Brad in the future. "I really do hope that someday we can be friends again," she says.

She certainly doesn't regret her four-and-a-half-year marriage—not even the million-dollar wedding with 50,000 flowers, a 40-member gospel choir, a Greek bouzouki band, and fireworks exploding over the Pacific. ("It was fantastic!" she says.) But she does have other regrets.

"There's a lot I would probably do differently," she says. "I'd take more vacations—getting away from work, enjoying each other in different environments. But there was always something preventing it; either he was working or I was."

She made more profound mistakes as well. "I wouldn't give over so much of myself, which I did at times," she admits. "It was that thing about being a nurturer; I love taking care of people, and I definitely put his needs before mine sometimes. It's seamless; somewhere along the way, you sort of lose yourself. You just don't know when it happens. It's such an insidious thing, you don't really see where it started—and where you ended. There's no one to blame but yourself. I've always been that way in relationships, even with my mom. It's not the healthiest. I feel like I've broken the pattern now. I'll never let myself down like that again. I feel like my sense of self is being strengthened because of it."

Aniston's unhappy family history colored her experience of marriage from the outset. "I come from a fighting family, and I had a tough time arguing," she says. "Fighting scared me. I wouldn't speak up for myself. That's something I've learned; I will always speak my mind."

In recent months, the process of healing from the breakup with Brad has also created a new openness to healing relations with her mother. Their estrangement began nearly a decade ago, when Nancy Aniston gossiped about Jennifer on a television show, and worsened when she tried to cash in on Jennifer's fame by writing an appalling book called From Mother and Daughter to Friends. Jennifer severed all contact, but she is now re-assessing their relationship.

"We've exchanged messages," she says. "Our doors are open. We're taking baby steps. It's a good thing."

Although Aniston incurred criticism for distancing herself from her mother, who did not attend her wedding, she offers no apologies. "I feel pretty good about the choices I've made. The choice of not speaking to Mom for a while—that's ours. Nobody else has to understand it. The same thing with Brad and myself," she says. "I wouldn't change my childhood, I wouldn't change my heartaches, I wouldn't change my successes. I wouldn't change any of it, because I really love who I am, and am continuing to become.

"Besides, it's all in the past," she adds. "This doesn't kill you. You move on. You can't let the devastation of a divorce take over and win—let it make you this bitter, closed-off, angry, skeptical person. Then you're just falling victim to it. You don't want to shut your heart down. You don't want to feel that when a marriage ends, your life is over. You can survive anything. Compared to what other people are surviving out there in the world, this is not so bad, in the grand scheme of things. Human endurance is unbelievable. Think of what mothers of soldiers have to rise above! Everything's relative."

She looks down at her firm, fit body. "Nothing's broke," she says.

Catching the quizzical look on my face, she concedes, "Maybe a little bruised."

A few weeks later, on a stiflingly hot day in Chicago, Aniston and I are sitting in her hotel suite looking out on Lake Michigan, which is studded with little white boats. I've just told her about the gossip magazine that says she's registered here as "Mrs. Smith." The report claims Aniston is taking perverse pleasure in making hotel staffers address her as Mrs. Smith, even though they know perfectly well who she is.

The only problem with this amusing tidbit is that it's not true. "I wish I'd thought of it," says Aniston, who is registered under an entirely different, although equally humorous, name.

Despite her vow of abstinence, she succumbed to a celebrity magazine the other evening—and immediately regretted it. "I feel like I've fallen off the wagon," she moans. Unfortunately, the first publication she picked up featured an insult from Kimberly Stewart, Rod's party-girl daughter. "She said I'm homely," Aniston says. "It literally ruined my night. I got my feelings very hurt, actually. That was my instant Karma."

She has always fretted about her appearance, although that is often hard for others to believe. Posing for her Vanity Fair cover shoot, Aniston was equally fetching in French-dance-hall-girl black stockings and in a half-open oversize shirt that evoked every man's favorite just-rolled-out-of-bed look. With her tousled hair, cobalt-blue eyes, and dazzling smile, she seemed the ultimate adorable sexpot. Far from pining away in seclusion, she appeared to be sending a far more spirited message—like "Eat your heart out, Brad!"

But Aniston has never been able to reconcile the glamorous Jen on page or screen with the self-doubting woman she sees in the mirror, and the current tabloid coverage has exacerbated that gap. "It's literally two different people—the real me, and the 'Jen' they write about, 'fighting back,' 'getting revenge'—everything I couldn't be farther from wanting to do," she says. "So I'm back on the wagon."

When she arrived in Chicago to film The Break-Up, the gossip media, frantic for a new development, immediately plunged her into a torrid romance with her co-star, Vince Vaughn. This affair apparently does not exist.

"I adore Vince Vaughn, but I'm not going out with Vince Vaughn," she says. "I barely know the guy. We've exchanged a wine-and-cheese basket for the start of the movie, and we've gone out to dinner with the director and other people. We've got to get to know each other."

But is Aniston seeing him—or anyone else? "Nobody," she says firmly. "I like a lot of people, but I am sooo not 'in like' with anybody. I am really enjoying being by myself. I'm excited that I know there's somebody out there for me, but I am absolutely in no rush. This is all very fresh, very new. This was a seven-year relationship that was very dear, very complicated, very special. I need to honor it."

Aside from her initial flurry of tears, Aniston remains calm and thoughtful through hours of conversation with me over the course of several weeks. But there is one final topic to be addressed, and it's the most hurtful of all. The rumor that Jolie is pregnant with Pitt's child has swept around the world; some reports even have her finishing her first trimester.

When I ask Aniston about that, she looks as if I've stabbed her in the heart. Her eyes well up and spill over. Several long minutes go by as the tears keep rolling down her cheeks; she bites her lip, seemingly unable to speak. Finally she shakes her head; this subject is simply too excruciating to discuss.

"My worst fear is that Jen will have to face them having a baby together soon, because that would be beyond beyond painful," says Kristin Hahn.

Fortunately, there are many other things to keep Aniston occupied these days. Although she took some time off after Friends ended, she has since shot several movies, and the coming months will bring a series of premieres. First up is Derailed, a thriller starring Aniston and Clive Owen as two married strangers who meet on a train and arrange a hotel-room tryst—only to have an armed man burst in, rape the woman, and beat the man and blackmail him, setting off a horrific chain of events. The film will make adultery look about as appealing as Fatal Attraction did, according to Aniston: "It will be one of those movies you leave and say, 'The affair thing? Maybe not!'"

Then there's Rumor Has It, whose plot revolves around a young reporter's conviction that The Graduate was based on her family, and that she herself is adopted. Mark Ruffalo plays her fiancé, and Shirley MacLaine is the Mrs. Robinson character, with Kevin Costner as the Benjamin Braddock who may or may not be Aniston's father.

Yet another upcoming film is Friends with Money, in which Aniston portrays a pothead maid whose friends—played by Catherine Keener, Joan Cusack, and Frances McDormand—are all married and far more successful in life.

Aniston is also re-evaluating her future role at Plan B, the production company she formed with Pitt and Brad Grey, who has since become chairman of Paramount. Pitt is now assuming the lead role at Plan B, but Aniston says she will still produce movies through the company.

"I'm excited about what the future holds," she says. "I'm not a fortune-teller; I have no idea how it will play out. People say, 'What are you going to do?' I don't know. I kind of love that not knowing."

She is trying to outgrow some youthful illusions. Prince Charming let her down, and Aniston no longer believes in one true love. "I think there are many people, many soul mates," she says.

But she still has faith in the redeeming power of love itself. "It's out there," she says. "It will happen. There's an amazing man that's wandering the streets right now who's the father of my children. In five years I would hope to be married and have a kid. I still believe in marriage 100 percent. When I hear people say that they would never do it again, it's like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Why would you ever close your heart down?"

She gives me a sheepish smile. "Maybe it's a fairy tale, but I believe in happily ever after."

[本日志已设置加密]

安妮说，生日就是自己宠爱自己的日子。

于是，我就这样淡淡的渡过了我的21岁生日。

早晨九点起来，看手机好多祝福短信。便微笑起来。天气大好，难得没风。我起来，吃了五颗枣，开始看报纸。我丝毫没有兴奋的感觉，只觉得淡淡的。之后，一个人出去买小块慕斯蛋糕，M的大杯可乐，和与寝室一起分享的整只奥尔良烤鸡。

接下来的下午，我美美的，饱饱的裸睡到自然醒。起来，看外面仍是风和日丽，心情又好起来。可爱的室友在昨日我说“不要过生日了吧”之后，仍是给我买了可爱的兔子玩具和漂亮的本子。我很爱她们。厦大的室友也早早给我寄来了礼物。她们都记得，这令我很开心。

我最爱的PHYCHOLOGIES又出了新刊，大爱。封面是蒋雯丽。

另外，昨日是我和达令33个月纪念日。很幸福，也很知足。

21岁了，再见，布娃娃。